#10 – mister heroin and his journeys through Addiction Land

We had the great opportunity to interview mister heroin, a man whose history of drug use probably puts Hunter S. Thompson to (undead) shame, but who has also managed to kick the habit. This is his fall and rise tale.

GinDrunk: Hey man.

mister heroin: Hola.

GinDrunk: Okay, knowing that this is an touchy subject with you, we’re really pleased to talk to you about the subject of drug addiction, especially your experience. Where do you think it all started?

mister heroin: probably with drugs.

GinDrunk: heh.

mister heroin: To be honest I don’t know why I started doing drugs, but I do have an idea. I think it was because I had very little self confidence when I started (10 years old was my first taste of illicit substances). Always a smaller kid, very bright, but a small little shit nonetheless.

GinDrunk: Damn dude. What was your first taste?

mister heroin: Weed, which I hate. But all the “cool kids” were doing it so I figured I would do the same to fit in. Up until that point I was a straight A student and in accelerated learning programs. After that, it all went down hill. I drank before that and alcohol is a drug but I cant remember actually ABUSING it until I got a little older (12 or so).

GinDrunk: So alcohol was in some silly D.A.R.E. sense your “gateway drug”

mister heroin: Probably. I knew that anything that would make me feel good, I wanted lots and lots of it. Being an addict I want shit where I want it how I want it and I want it yesterday. I guess you could say I am addicted to excess.

GinDrunk: So you think you’ve always been an addict then, even without substances around.

mister heroin: Yes, always been an addict, but it didn’t really start collapsing on me until the last few years. It’s not just drugs with me. I am addicted to anything that makes me feel good. This can be good and bad as some things are good for you such as working out while other things are bad for you, like heroin. Just because you do drugs doesn’t mean you are an addict. Addiction isn’t really relegated to doing drugs, it can be anything like shopping, gambling, fucking… I wonder what a group of sex addicts is like.

GinDrunk: It seems like a intrinsic quality to your character then. Do you think there any telltale signs of someone that’s an addict (beyond banging H in the bathroom)?

mister heroin: For me the signs were obvious for the drug I was doing (heroin). I lost about 30 lbs, barely slept, was nodding off all over the place. Spending hundreds of dollars a day on my habit. I think the tell tale sign for someone who may think they are an addict is when your life becomes completely unmanageable without the use of drugs. I know I certainly got to that point and thats when I said enough was enough.

For a non-addict, sometimes its totally obvious through behavior and physiology. However, sometimes you just cant tell with some addicts. I was able to hide everything for 15 years or so. See, as an addict you get really good at bullshitting because its a lot easier than telling the truth.

GinDrunk: I see. When does an addict need to bullshit?

mister heroin: All the time. Even if you dont have to, you are generally so used to not telling the truth that it becomes second nature.

GinDrunk: Another symptom it seems.

mister heroin: Not every addict is the same but we are all pretty damn similar.

GinDrunk: Was it like a proverbial light bulb going off in your head, or did something illustrate that you needed to stop?

mister heroin: Well, I have tried getting clean before, but I hadn’t been beaten down this much before. The turning point for me this time was realizing that I couldn’t even go 8 hours without picking up heroin. The 8 hours I waited to get in contact with my connection was a fucking nightmare: I couldn’t sleep, I was throwing up, my pupils were the size of Jupiter (Jupiter is pretty big) and I was sweating even though I was cold. I tried to go and a family member asked me if something was wrong. I couldn’t lie anymore, so I said yes and spilled my guts. At that point I had spent a lot of fucking money on heroin and I was in such a bad financial position that I thought I was going to have to file for bankruptcy just because of my use. With the job I have it was going to take me about 40-50 weeks just to pay it off as well as my bills just to be back at zero.

GinDrunk: Christ.

mister heroin: The other indicator was that I couldn’t even walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded. Plus I would have asthma attacks all of the time because my breathing was so repressed from all the dope I was doing.

GinDrunk: How did the recovery start?

mister heroin: It started by putting the drugs down. Simple as that.

GinDrunk: Cold turkey?

mister heroin: Yes. Last time I tried quitting I went on a Suboxone maintainence program so I never really had to go through withdrawals (WDs). I saw it as a crutch that hindered my recovery more than helping it. So this time around I bit the bullet and rode that shit out.

Those first 10 days were the most miserable time in my life. I can honestly say I have never been in so much pain and mental anguish.

GinDrunk: Did you ever think about using during that time?

mister heroin: Are you kidding? That is all I thought about for the first two weeks or so. I was trying to figure out a way to get enough money to pick up 50 bags (a Brick) so I could just sit in my room and kill myself with dope. I didn’t want to get high, I wanted to kill myself.

GinDrunk: But you made it through those ten days, and it got easier from then on?

mister heroin: Well…it’s like I tell other addicts, the worst part for me wasn’t the physical part, it was the mental. Don’t get me wrong, the physical part was horrendous and I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. The mental anguish from knowing what I got myself into AGAIN (this isn’t the first time) and how many other people I fucked over as a result made not being alive seem like a really good idea. However, the program I am working has a large suport network so I didn’t have to go through any of this stuff alone. That is the only way I can stay clean on a daily basis. I was never able to do it alone and having support from others makes it a lot easier.

GinDrunk: What program is this? Sounds like it’s highly effective.

mister heroin: Just one of those anonymous 12 step fellowships. It’s not the only program out there that works and it doesn’t work for everyone – but it certainly has been the only thing that keeps me clean.

GinDrunk: Well, that’s great to hear. Shifting gears just a little, what are you opinions about harm reduction programs? It sounds like they wouldn’t do any good for a true addict.

mister heroin: Like needle exchanges and methadone clinics?

GinDrunk: Yeah.

mister heroin: Well, I think needle exchanges and programs designed to reduce the spread of diseases are great. Look, just because AIDS and Hep C and other diseases exist, that doesn’t mean a junkie isn’t going to jam a dirty needle in his arm. Shit, I knew you could overdose from doing too much heroin (I have overdosed quite a few times) but it didn’t stop me from doing it. For a non addict analogy: Its like telling a skydiver that if he jumps out of a plane he might die and him doing it anyway. At least programs like that exist as an alternative to jamming dirty needles in your dick or whatever it is the kids do these days.

As for methadone/suboxone etc. I personally dont care if someone uses it to get through addiction but for me it didn’t work. All it did was let me keep using without the social stigma of using heroin. My experience is only my own though and I will TRY not to look down upon someone for having to go on a maintenance program which uses other drugs.

GinDrunk: You’ve said you’ve overdosed before – has any film/TV depiction of an overdose ever felt authentic?

mister heroin: The trainspotting scene heroin O.D. scene was pretty close to real for me so go for it.

GinDrunk: Interesting. Do you think the social stigma is accurate? Is heroin really worse than, say, hydromorphone, or any other addictive drug that we don’t hear about on the news?

mister heroin: A drug is a drug is a drug. I personally have some resentments against people in my program that are in for weed for example. I know I am not supposed to view other drugs as different from the ones I did, but I am human and I am self centered as all fuck. I am early on in my recovery so hopefully that shit goes away. So I personally think some drugs are worse than others. However, that’s just been my experience and what I feel isn’t fact. Just because I never sucked dick for weed money doesn’t mean someone else hasn’t.

GinDrunk: Would you say that there is a true drug “culture”? And it’s through that that most people develop habits? Or do people just find their own way to feel good, like you did?

mister heroin: I can only speak for myself in this regard. I know I hung out with other people who used drugs. They weren’t all addicts but a good number of them were. I would say there most certainly is a drug “culture” as drugs have become so common and socially acceptable that I don’t think it will be long before we start seeing decriminalization in the near future. As far as people developing habits, if you aren’t an addict you most likely aren’t going to develop a habit that will last long enough to become a habit/addiction. However, like I said that is my experience. I know I cant just have one of anything.

GinDrunk: Do you have any advice for people that dabble in addictive drugs, like anything they should keep in mind as they use periodically?

mister heroin: If you are just “dabbling” as in very infrequent use with no desire to use constantly you MIGHT be ok, but you never know. Addiction is really fucking sneaky. If you are going to do drugs knowing the risks involved… KNOW THE RISKS INVOLVED. Do some research on what you are taking, and if possible do testing on the drugs that you get (especially true with MDMA since you can get test kits so easily). Here is a link to the NA pamphlet (Am I an Addict?).

GinDrunk: Thanks so much for this interview.

mister heroin: No problem. Thanks for giving me an excuse not to work. Hugs not drugs!